The High Holidays. Already? Seems like just a tower of tayglach ago that we were breaking the fast, and here we are, yet another opening (of the ark), another sho(far). [I’m here all week folks. All you have to do is feed me!]

 

So, as the great circle game begins anew (cue Harry Chapin or The Lion King), here are some ideas on how we, as a congregation, and Jews worldwide (should we choose to go viral on the Internet), could ease the long, and, to some (okay, to most), repetitive tedium of the High Holiday services:

 

·         Offer valet parking. From two blocks away. [This way, it will look like everyone walked to shul.]

·         Open a concession stand. Pretzels. Hot dogs. Shwarma-to-go. Hey, food always packs a house!

·         Open the Ark. Close the Ark. Open the Ark. Close the Ark. Fuggetaboutit. Open the Ark once. Take care of business. Close the Ark. Fartik!  In and out by Noon, at the latest.

·         The High Holiday Prayer book will be on Kindle. No more flipping back and forth. Rabbi’s sermon to follow on YouTube. [Come on, folks. This is the 21st Century!]

·         Lather. Daven. DON’T Repeat. Say each prayer once. Not 200 times, or 20. Once. He gets it. The first time.

·         Dispense with the choir. Same old tunes. Not very catchy. Melodies only the tone deaf could appreciate. Instead, bring in Lady Gaga. Just think how many tickets we could sell.  How many could your editor scalp? Not an empty seat in the house. Standing room only.  So, we change the words from Poker Face to Pulka Face. Who would ever know?

·         Have a Kiddish after Rosh Hashana services. At Le Cirque. Why not? A field trip. Stretch those legs. All included in the price of admission.

·         When Yom Kippur falls on shabbos, it shall be adjourned to the following year. [Kiddish to be substituted.] Too much like work, this Yom Kippur, without the coffee break.  Would it hurt anybody to skip the hunger pangs just once every few years?

·         Yes, you can look at the Cohens. Why can’t we look at them, anyway? We look at the Schwartzes and the Levys, don’t we? This year, we only look at the Cohens. Nobody else. So there!

·         Next year in Miami Beach. Or maybe a nice cruise. Davening is sooo much better when the sea is causing you to schukle. [And no one ever fasts on a cruise, right?]

 

Okay. Okay. They were only suggestions. Commentary, if you will, handed down throughout the ages of Jewish  suffering and oppression (and that’s just during Minyan, mind you).  You expected, maybe, Rashi?

 

If laughter is indeed the best medicine — and it certainly is — what better way to start off the new year (5772. Or Star Date 5772.24 for you Star Trek fans) than with a hearty chuckle [I said “chuckle,” Cantor, not “schukle.” Oy!]

 

Seriously, though, this is America 2010, not Poland in the 1800s. We’re all for tradition (as in the traditional Kiddish  after services), but change, as the Rabbi suggests in his message, is inevitable, and often necessary. Podcast sermons and Internet services are realities of the  modern age, and if we are to sustain a thriving, enthusiastic, upbeat congregation, attractive and compelling to Generation Next (let alone to Generation Text), maybe, just maybe — charges of  blasphemy and heresy aside — we need to shake things up a bit. [Think about it the next time you are a closing eyelid away from dozing off in the pews, having glanced at your watch a dozen times.] What better place to start new traditions than at our JCC, and what better time than now, as we begin this new year!

 

-Seth D. Bykofsky, Editor ☺ 

 

Write to your editor at jcceditor@aol.com.